Sticks and Stones

Like most people, I am shocked and saddened by the tragedy that transpired in Aurora, CO last weekend.  I have to admit to being more saddened than shocked.  Since the Columbine school massacre in 1999, somewhere around 400 people have been shot or killed in various mass shootings in this country.  Total shooting deaths range (varies according to the source) from 9,000-11,000 or more per year in the United States. 

The response to these bizarre instances of mass killings seems to fall into one of two categories:

a)  The hearty cries of those who would protect the Second Amendment with their lives

OR

b) The despair of those who would ban guns and think that would eliminate killing. 

Neither response is very rational, in my humble opinion.  Perhaps, instead of debating gun control, we ought to look at fear and rage and anger and hatred.  Perhaps we should look at the underlying causes for those conditions. 

I remember well a friend who, after being convicted of a violent crime, was mandated to attend anger management therapy.  My friend was one of those lucky people who, upon experiencing a moment of their own insanity, looks in a mirror and instead of blaming those about him, actually took responsibility for his actions as well as for his recovery.  It's rather amazing how infrequently that happens.  He was shocked at how others in his group could not get away from the "blame game" - it was everyone's fault but theirs.  He considers himself blessed and fortunate to have realized that the problem was within him, not without. 

And it doesn't just apply to violence.  Inability to perceive one's own shortcomings is frequently referred to as being in a state of denial.  Denial is more than a river in Egypt.  We've all heard that.  Yes, awareness is the first step to moving toward recovery from any ill-advised, untenable or unproductive behavior.  Oh, for sure, it is so much easier to focus on the faults of anyone other than ourselves.  How discreetly we meet for lunch with a friend, only to take the inventory of a friend who might be absent.  How carefully we couch conversations at Sunday School with the idea that we aren't being critical, we are just observing a behavior that needs to be changed  ... always in someone else!  It's the same with social clubs, intimate gatherings, it's endemic.  We always feel superior as long as we can discuss someone else's shortcomings.  To look at ourselves?  That might cause us to reach for humility. 

In this country, we are so skilled at pretending to be okay, that we don't even realize how angry we are.  People are angry.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that.  Spend an hour on Facebook.  Look at the posts.  The same people who advocate gay rights are busy bashing the poor who get food stamps.  The people who are conservative are bashing the liberals and vice versa.  The folks who belong to fellowships where love, tolerance and patience are considered a way of life are using terms like "nut job" and "psycho" to describe someone like the young man who murdered the people in that Colorado movie theater. 

Let me ask you, dear reader - if you knew that you would be referred to as a "nut job" or a "psycho" - how quickly would you be moved to seek psychiatric treatment if you were aware that you were disintegrating?  If you are a teenager who has discovered that you are homosexual, how quickly are you going to want to tell your family when you hear your brothers and father refer to "queers" and other derogatory terms?  If you are overweight, how fast are you running to the next Weight Watchers meeting, knowing that your neighbors refer to you as "that fat slob?" 

Most of us were raised with that old rhyme about "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me."  That old rhyme is wrong. 

If you have a physical disability and hear people demeaning you, it hurts.  If you have an invisible disease, such as Multiple Sclerosis, and you happen to be one of the lucky ones who is affected on more of a cognitive than a physical level, and you hear someone mention that you are an "airhead," that hurts.  If you have a child that is developmentally delayed and yet has no overt physical symptomology to let people know that, it hurts when you're at church and you hear people saying in the pew behind you "Why can't she do something about that child?  There's nothing wrong with him that a good spanking wouldn't cure."  WORDS HURT.  And, they keep us from actually addressing the issue when we allow our hurt to keep us in a state of denial. 

Why are we in such a rush to judgment?  Is it that we our so unhappy with ourselves that we can't find any release until we bash whoever is standing next to us?  We need to look inside.  All of us.  We need to realize that fear, jealousy, envy, anger, and rage are all based in the same emotion - fear - and that the only antidote to that is love.  Sincere willingness to help, encouragement, intervening in a positive way when someone is moving out of control - these are all ways to help.  Prayer is helpful.  A greeting card that says "I care."   

I was at a social meeting just last Sunday.  A young mother was in attendance as well.  It's a meeting where people speak.  There were a lot of people there.  The young mother had a baby with her - maybe 8 months old and he was fussy.  It was naptime, he was in a strange environment, and yes, the noise was distracting.  I watched people's faces change from attentive listening to looking as if they had just stepped in a pile of cow manure.  Someone got up and offered to walk the baby in the stroller where he was sitting and as soon as he started moving, he quieted right down.  It took no real effort, just a positive response rather than a negative one.  How hard is that? 

When someone is struggling to find a word, maybe they are recoving from a stroke.  Maybe they are just under great stress.  Instead of being impatient, how hard is it to ask "is everything ok?"  I haven't had a stroke, but this past week three friends passed away.  I have felt stressed.  I have had trouble communicating.  I've been sad, angry, frustrated, and I'm just feeling a great deal of loss.  I was able to share this with a friend who has also endured a lot of loss.  It helped a lot when she shared news about a new grandchild she will be welcoming soon.  It was as though for a moment, I could think about "hello" instead of "goodbye."  Another friend has been posting photos of her new baby on Facebook.  I don't always click "like", but I always smile when I see the photos.  Encouragement takes just a second or two.   

We have spent the last several years going through the deepest economic recession that anyone can remember since perhaps The Great Depression.  People are trying, for the most part, to do the best they can.  It hasn't been easy for anyone.  And yes, most people are very angry, if not at the economic situation, at SOMETHING.  Maybe we all need to look inward and ask ourselves why we are so angry, why we are so impatient, why we feel the need to make ourselves feel better at someone else's expense. 

I'm as guilty of this as anyone else.  This week, as I've gone about my regular schedule, I've listened to comments from people about other people that have made me cringe.  If I'm going to ask you to treat me as a person, then I better treat you as a person.  I find it no small wonder that people are unwilling to ask for help for just about anything, given the levels of criticism and judgment they receive as a result. 

I've watched a post go viral on Facebook over the past week.  It talks about personal responsibility and how each of us is responsible and only we are responsible for the choices we make and the consequences.  I see it mostly posted by people who are "of faith."  And it confuses me.  Because, if my Creator is the One who bestows every blessing in my life, then how can I condemn my brother or sister for not having received the same blessings?  In other words, if God is ultimately responsible for every blessing, then that leaves me responsible for every wrong or negative choice, by virtue of the fact that I am human.  So I'm condemned?  No, I think not again.  My Creator tells me that I've been forgiven.  It's only humans that want to judge and condemn me. 

There's an old Native American adage about not judging until you've walked a mile in your brother's moccasins.  I wish we posted that as often on Facebook.  I truly do. 

When people are not in fear of judgment and criticism, they are much more likely to reach out, ask for help and guidance, and actually put some of the suggestions into practice.  That's one of the reasons 12-step groups are anonymous.  It's a whole lot easier to ask for help if someone doesn't know your last name, or the fact that you're a doctor, or a nurse, or a pastor.  But get into the real world?  The judgments and criticisms fly fast and furious.  Is that really what we want?  To alienate the very people in our lives with whom we have worked to build relationships? 

Just remember that the young girl with the tattoo and the body piercings sitting next to you donated her bone marrow to save a life yesterday.  Remember that homeless guy sitting on the side of the road across from Home Depot?  The one with the long gray beard?  He served in Viet Nam, with honor.  The couple living in the beautiful house next door who rarely come outside?  He just lost his job at 60 years old and can't find another one.  And that lady who just resigned from the leadership position at church?  She's not irresponsible, she just found out she has MS.  No one, no one wakes up at 5 or 6 years old and says "I hope I can grow up to be poor or homeless or sick or disabled or addicted or mentally ill."  No one does that. 

I pray for that young, brilliant 24-year-old who murdered all those people in Colorado.  I keep reading that he was a loner.  Remember the movie "A Brilliant Mind?"   I keep wondering how many times he heard other students, supposed friends, or even his family refer to him over the years as a "nut job."  One thing I know for certain.  If someone calls you names long enough, you begin to believe it's true.

"Let me tell you something: Every one of these careless words is going to come back to haunt you. There will be a time of Reckoning. Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation." Matthew 12:35-37