Should Children Attend Funerals?

Last week I attended the funerals of some close family friends and was surprised at the number of children in the crowd.

Q: Is it appropriate for children to attend funerals? What if the person was not a relative, but just a family friend? Does it matter?

A: Not to make light of the subject, but it’s like Benjamin Franklin said, “There are two things that are certain in life: death and taxes.” It is an unavoidable truth. To me, there is no reason to hide it or shelter my children from it. True, it is sad. Also true, it is not a concept that is easy for children to understand.

My parents never sheltered us from death. We were taken to many funerals as children. Aside from knowing it was a sad occasion, I don’t recall ever being disturbed by being there. Now we are raising our children the same way. In the past few years, I lost both my grandfathers. My children were very young, but they attended every family visitation and both funeral services, including graveside. I believe it gave us an opportunity to teach them a lot about life and death. Being a Christian family, we believe in an afterlife. These occasions offer us important teaching opportunities. Also, I feel that even as children, they need closure. I prefer standing there beside the casket having to explain to my child that "Papa" or "Booboo" has passed away and is now rejoicing in heaven with God and the angels. To me, that would be much easier to handle than showing up at my grandmothers’ houses afterward and having my children ask where their great-grandfathers are.

Depending on the situations, I am certain there will be exceptions. A few years ago, I attended the funeral for a friend’s infant child. Although I did tell my oldest (who was almost 6 at the time) where I was going, I did not feel comfortable taking her with me. I knew it would be very emotional, and I did not think I would be able to handle the situation well enough. I have to say, explaining the sudden death of a child is a much more difficult task than explaining the death of a person who has lived a long life.  

Jenny Howard, mom of 3

A: It's unfortunate that funerals are even a part of the circle of life. As corny as it sounds, it's just the honest truth. With that said, I didn't take my daughters to my sister's funeral. My girls were 3 and 2 years old at the time. I felt they had a tough enough time at the viewing the night before the funeral. I remember my 3-year-old walking into the viewing room, taking one look at her Aunt Lisa in the coffin, then walking back out. She even told my mom there were ghosts in there. Years later, I lost my beloved grandfather and was asked to deliver the eulogy. My 5-year-old daughter must have known how tough that was for me because she walked right up beside me as I was about to begin speaking and held my hand. So I guess what I am trying to say is, you just have to use your best judgment as a mom. Consider the circumstances around the event and just go with it. After all, no one knows your kids better than you do.

Leslie Olejnik, mom of 2

A: I have never taken my children to a funeral. We have lost family members and now family friends, and I have chosen to keep my children at home.

My last and strongest memories of my grandfather were of him in a casket. The same is true for my great-aunt. When I lost a friend in college, I attended and found it was almost unbearable. As an adult, when my best friend's mom passed away, I stayed home with her small children so she could attend. Since then, I have lost a couple of family members and have attended without the children.  

Last week, my husband and I flew out of state to attend services of friends involved in a small plane crash. I was amazed at the number of children who came. They were at the service as well as graveside. What I did not expect to witness was how this helped the children who lost their dad. The kids were caught running and laughing. There were serious times, of course. But it made it bearable for these children to see their friends there, too. I think this helped the children deal with the difficulty of the situation.

Before this past week, I would never have considered taking my children to a funeral. But, after seeing what I did, I think it helped give the children some closure. It gave them support. The services reminded all that death is not the end; it is simply the end of a chapter. Whether I will take my children will depend on who the services are for and how close my children were to that person.

Tammy Bester, mom of 3