Mom Talk Q&A: Manners

What is the key to raising polite children? Beyond "please" and "thank you," kids these days are exposed to everything from funeral visitations to bar mitzvahs. How do you prepare them for any and all situations? 

Tammy Bester: Manners are important for everyone. I personally limit the activities of my children to what I deem as appropriate for them. I was brought to my grandfather's funeral as a child and I think it traumatized me. I still can see the image of him in the casket and remember asking my dad why Grandpa was smiling. I will not take my children to a funeral. I do not think they need to attend and prefer to leave them at home. We have not been invited to any events where I felt it was questionable to take the kids. Weddings have been adult only invitations since the kids have been born, and religious events have not been an issue either. I can not think of a time when I worried about taking my kids some place, but this may just be because they are still rather young with my oldest only 10.

We do, quite often, take the kids out to dinner. Sometimes these are adult type places. Last Mother's Day, we took the kids to a buffet brunch and they were the only children there. I am sure this is because of the price being as high as it was. I simply told the children that they were the only kids present and they needed to realize that this was a fancy restaurant and I expected their best restaurant behavior.  We had no problems at all and were even complimented on their behavior considering the temptations of playing with the indoor  water fall and being excessive with the chocolate fountain. We set the standards for these places both at home and in casual dining restaurants. Dinners are at the set table every night with out a TV or toys at the table. Manners are expected and this reinforces the behavior to continue into situations when we are in public.

I am very strict about whining and pitching fits at home which helps a lot when we are out in public as well. I do not baby the kids if they are just complaining for the sake of complaining and I have no tolerance for fits. Because I have always been this way, I rarely have to deal with either of these. They know that either of these activities will land them alone in their room and they will not get attention or  their way for this behavior. 

We have also traveled a bit in the last couple of years. The kids understand that they must follow rules for safety and we must always stick together when we are out. This is just a habit they have now. I never have to worry about a child running away or getting into something they should not when we are out. 

I think making sure the kids behave in public with good manners just starts from expecting good behavior at an early age and expecting it all of the time. If we allow certain behaviors some of the time but then not others, it just send confusing messages to the kids. Consistency seems to work in my house. My children always know what is expected of them both at home and when they go out in public. Manner are important and they need to be shown at all times. 

Jenny Howard: In regards to a child’s verbal manners, I  believe consistency is key.  The only way to develop and keep the habit of saying “yes ma’am” or “no sir” (et al.) is to use them in every situation possible.  As soon as we slack off and forget to  reinforce the use of verbal politeness, we end up starting over with the training.

As for general manners (in regards to situations), I have to refer back to leading by example.  Our children observe more of our actions and words than we realize. They repeat those words and actions (whether good or bad).  When special situations arise (i.e. special ceremonies), it is also a good idea to remind the children immediately beforehand what behavior is expected of them. 

Jodi Francis: The key to every successful parenting involvement comes down to one word: Consistency. We expect manners from our kids no matter the situation or location. When they ask anyone for an item from a glass of water to a new DS game, we insist they phrase the request properly; "May I please have a fruit snack." Every single time they get up from any table where they have eaten, they must ask to be excused. When they need to get past one another in the hall, or around someone in the grocery store we expect them to say, "Pardon me." When we enter someone's home as a guest, they go to the host and greet them. When we leave, they thank the host and compliment the event. Every time. If we expect these proper behaviors, polite tones, and proper etiquette when we stop by their Aunt's house on the way home form school, then we have a right to expect that they will naturally make the correct choice when at a more formal event, or when somewhere without us. We also must lead by example. Young eyes are wide when seeing their parents and loved ones interact in their bad, bright, admirable adult word. There is no one our kids want to be more than us, so we must hold ourselves out as the shining example of how to behave. Consistency works amazingly well. If you let them push and elbow past their mother when at home, how can we expect them to fold their hand in front of themselves and say "Pardon me, may I please have a roll" when at their great-grandparents' Thanksgiving dinner? That said, we still struggle in practice. Familiarity breeds forgetfulness. Our son especially gets around family and neglects to greet or thank at times. But we try to remind them. Constantly. Consistently.