After the Tone

My dear friend, we need to talk.

No, really, we do. Or at least, you appear to think so, because you keep CALLING me. And that’s not the worst part. Actually, the real problem is this (Mom, I hope you’re reading!) : you leave me far too many messages.

Feel free to call me all the time. I may not always answer, but I will eventually note that you have called me and return the favor. Alternatively, if you leave me a message, I am not going to listen to the message until at least a week later probably, because I’ll just call you back and then we’ll talk and finally I’ll realize I have messages. After which, I will calmly dial 123 and wait to hear something groundbreaking.

“It’s Mom, call me.”

“It’s three fifty-eight on Friday, this is your captain speaking, call me.”

“It’s Mom again, just left the doctor’s office/grocery store/Wally World – Call me.”

“It’s Jen-from-Across-the-Street/Mike-from-the-Tackle-Shop/Alice-from-School, give me a call.”

Now, consider this: by the time I hear your message telling me to give you a call, it is ninety-eight and three quarters percent guaranteed that I have already called you back. Unless you are: on your way to jail, leaving the country, traveling to Diagon Alley by floo powder, stuck in a flue, watching a gremlin scratch the outside of the window on the wing of an airplane you are on (and about to be told that you must stow your cell phone during the flight), or otherwise unable to answer a return call, there is very little reason to leave a “call me” message ever. The exceptions being:

“You have a terrible phone and if I don’t leave you a message I know it won’t register the call – so call me!”

“Hey stranger, haven’t talked in a while, call me!” (Note: only acceptable if at least one previous attempt has been made at contact by each person and you have not spoken in at least two weeks).

“Hi, you gave me your number last week but I never gave you mine, so the random number that just called your phone is Horatio-from-the-Coffee-Shop, give me a call back if you want to get together sometime at [insert number here]”

Additionally, anything business related or that has a purpose can be left in a message. If there is true excitement and SOMEBODY must be told, even if it is my answering machine, by all means leave a message. Recognize that you will probably be retelling me the story when I fail to listen to said message. If breaking news has just gone down and you want to share, feel free to leave a message. If you need to cancel our four-forty appointment for this afternoon because something came up, leave a message. If you could add the phrase “don’t worry about calling back,” even teamed with a phrase such as “just wanted to let you know” or “see you tomorrow,” then you may leave a message.

If the entire purpose of your message is to get me to call you back, then the missed call list on my cell phone will do the same thing. Obviously, this does not apply to anyone who may have a house phone which you are calling them on (although personally, when I had a house phone, I never even knew HOW to check the messages – that was always someone else’s job).

Of course, this could all be sorted out if I just listened to your message and then called you. However, this is absolutely unreasonable! That would mean that whatever important something existed that you needed to tell me would be put off for five minutes longer while I listened to my messages. That would be tragic.